I just got done reading “Message in a Bottle” and I have these feeling in me that are just so strong not very often shown and I know Dj wouldn’t understand them. It’s not just love I feel even though the book made me cry because of love lost. I guess I have lost love too not for someone else but for me…..

I often dream of being lean, small body. To run without fat flapping around everywhere. To see defined muscles and to have people look at me when I walk in the room, not just to see who it is but to actually stop and stare with admiration because they can see I’m truly happy and love myself as I am. I hate the fake smiles I give, well not fake but I know in my heart that it’s a half hearted smile. I am not truly happy with myself this big and for the life of me I haven’t had the willpower yet to change it. I just want to be energetic and feel good in my own skin. Now I know that, that doesn’t mean I have to lose weight and be skinny but I’m overweight and I can feel it, I’m an emotional eater, and have just become lazy and it’s yes, I know, a lifestyle and it’s taken me a life time to get this way so it’s not just going to happen over night. I recently found an old pair of shorts that I fit into my senior year. They obviously don’t fit now, they barely make it over my knees.. WOW!! They don’t have a size, but if my memory serves me correct  I believe I was a size 12 juniors and I am by far not that anymore now I am a large 18.. YIKES!

I see other people and know that’s not me but how I wish my body could be similar, but I’m a totally different body from them, I have a large body frame and I don’t know if that discourages me or what but ever since I found out I have just lost motivation. Maybe it’s the cliché of the word large like I have a large body frame and that means I’m going to be large/fat the rest of my life.  There are so many ways I could go about losing weight all these diets and starving myself with crazy vigorous workouts, but I want to do it the healthy way which in turns is the long way but if I do it right then the weight won’t come right back like it would if it was a fad diet.

I think excepting your body and loving your body are to different things, if I except my body, to me, that’s saying I give up on trying to be a better, healthier person. To love my body I think is to nourish it with healthy alternatives, clean it, feed it healthy things, lotion it with non petroleum products, take in the beauty of my body and don’t hate the rest because it still me and honestly what is a life filled with hate, it’s not a life at all.

 I vow to you and myself to love my body/self, take care of myself by eating healthy, being more active, and exercising more. I will step out of my comfort zone and exercise wherever I may be (whether it be at home, the gym, or at the park). My kids come first and if I would get off this god forsaken computer I would have more time with them. I’m going to limit my electronic intake each day. Slow down it’s not a race to death, don’t just look forward to the weekends make the most of the weekdays too. Yes your going to be tired, but its going to be worth it. Not to contradict myself but don’t do all of that at once. Please

As I write this I just don’t feel the motivation that normally would fill me to the brim, when I write a weight loss letter to myself , but that’s not a bad thing because even though I had the motivation it never got fulfilled. So the turn of a new leaf and I’m currently working on the healthy eating even though we may not have the money to always buy everything healthy because for some reason junk food is cheaper..(ha) But when it comes down to it more protein to fill up, without having to ingest to many bad things. That’s that good luck. Remember to love.

I haven’t written very many letters to myself let alone weight loss promises. But for me to be happy again, I mean truly happy inside and out, there is going to be some changes and I’m not going to like it but damn it it’s going to happen. I don’t want to be this size the rest of my life and I’m not going to stop myself from being something better, a better person, happier, healthier and just all around motivated. I’m not going to steel my youth from myself. I have a self annihilating syndrome. It’s a routine that’s all I’ve started and stopped many routines, like taking naps (started and stopped) eating fried food (started along time ago and stopped, very hard) and for my sake I am going to start the routine of working out and stop the routine of annihilating myself and over eating.

    It’s with these words that starts a whole new me.